Blog of a Journey Away from Fat

I chose to write about my fight with fat to help me work through this, and if anyone else can gain from this that would be even better!  I have no intent to hurt anyone or offend anyone in any way through this blog.  This burden will now become a journey.  These are my feelings and my perceptions of my life around me, a morbidly obese 50 something year old woman. I am a wife, mother, friend, and nurse.

I work 3- twelve hour shifts a week.  At the end of my shift, I am feeling like I’m dragging around another person!  I weigh 285 pounds.  That’s over what 2 normal people weigh!  I’m disappointed in myself.  I’m embarrassed.  I find myself in situations all the time where I can’t fit through, am unsure of my balance, can’t keep up, can’t, can’t, can’t!  I don’t want that in my vocabulary.  I need to make this happen.  I know it’s going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

What has made me decide to do this?  1. Accountability.  Owning up to the fact that I did this and only I can change it.   2. A chance to connect with others on similar life changing journeys.  3. A process to way to document my progress both good and bad. 4. I promised my doctor I would start NOW. Not next month, when I get back from vacation, after the holidays, our agreement was now. There are even more reasons…I can’t find clothes that fit nicely, my feet always hurt, my knees hurt, my face isn’t even my face anymore, I don’t feel attractive (even to my husband), it’s hard to run, jump rope, ride a bike, do Yoga – everything seems harder!

This journey isn’t just a weight loss journey.  Anyone who’s had a lifetime of being overweight knows it’s like walking away from a friend.  A friend that isn’t good for me, and basically, to me it feels like an addiction.  In think about food minute-by-minute, second to second, constantly battling against my appetite, and a lifetime of poor habits.

So today is my first post, and tomorrow I set off with my family on a long planned vacation in Italy.  I’ve decided (with the encouragement of my physician) that I need to be accountable there too.  Maybe with a few extra treats, but only if I’m walking them off.  My heart doesn’t know that Italy is off limits so I shouldn’t either.  It has to start now!

I recently read the book, “Healing Hearts” by Kathy Magliato.  This also inspired me to start my journey sooner than later.  A great book that is a story of a female heart surgeon, that gives several brief and all too familiar glimpses of some of her cardiac patients.  The overwhelming theme of this book seemed to shout “this could probably been prevented.”  This is where this journey and my blog come in.  I can do this. It will be hard, it will take a really long time, but I will meet people, and learn things all along the way. Join me on my journey.

Do “regular” people have any idea of what it’s like living in a fat person for a day?  I’m not sure they do, and since no one wants to be fat, whey would they even think about it.  I hope to share some of the inconveniences of being fat, which are also motivating factors to me, to get this show on the road.  These I will call Fat Moments.  I will try to add one or two fat moments to each blog.  Hopefully soon I’ll be saying, “Wow, in the past, this would have been a fat moment! But this is what happened today!”

Fat Moment October 2013.  I went to get my hair done at a new salon.  I hate going to salons, I feel like the odd man out every time.  People in salons are all looking in mirrors; they are all comparing themselves to everyone else in the salon.  I don’t wear fashionable clothes, I’m very conscious of being the biggest person in the room, and I’d really rather just crawl under a rock.  I have to make myself go, like people go to the Dentist, or the Gynecologist; I make myself go get my hair done.  So, in the new shop, the first thing I noticed upon entering was floor to ceiling mirrors at each chair.  I privately gasped, and felt my heart sink.  Here we go.  I smiled, and made small talk, but secretly I was sinking further into myself as I sat clearly reminded of my weight during the entire 3 hours.  I hated every minute of seeing myself in this chair with the big black tent draped over me.  I have been to other salons, that This is better than my former salon though, which requested that I put offer a gown which wouldn’t close over my top.  I was mortified. I wore it, tugging it together over and over, then, on the following visits I just said I preferred not to wear it, but no one understood why.  The employees here were very trendy, very thin, very young, and very blonde; answering phones in a salon.  I’m really, really sure they didn’t put it together.

What have I tried? I’ve tried just about everything, many of which work as long as I can stay motivated, organized and can find the funds to keep it going.  I seem to have cravings for food, similar to what would imagine a druggy does for their substance of choice.  I wake up and start thinking about what I’m going to eat for the day.  I see a commercial and fight the urge to get in the car and go get whatever was advertised.  I eat, and eat, and eat until I’m uncomfortable and have indigestion.  I eat when I’m happy, sad, excited, basically when I’m awake!  I celebrate everything!

How do I feel about myself?  Extremely disappointed.  I know what I need to do.  I’m struggling with being able to do it.  I look at myself in the mirror and it’s hard to believe that it’s me.  My face isn’t really my face, it’s squish and poof.  My personal face was lost long ago.  It shows up every now and then when I get on a good run, but soon it’s buried again for years.

I hope you join or support me on this journey.  I’m hoping that the accountability of being on this journey and reporting my good and bad efforts will help me meet my goal and hope others meet their goals too.

Current Weight 285

Goal Weight 175

About anonymousfatlady

Kind mannered Morbidly Obese Female, on a journey to better health. Over 150 pounds to lose. Help Wanted!
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2 Responses to Blog of a Journey Away from Fat

  1. lstro001 says:

    I’m so glad that you came across my blog so that I in turn came across yours! It’s always great to have support along the way!

    I can relate to EVERY single thing you said. In my opinion, I believe skinny people just don’t get it. What all of our struggles are as overweight people, it’s a feeling they’ll never understand.

    I enjoyed your first post! I love the way you write! I can’t wait to read more and follow your journey while I’m on mine as well.

    Hope you have a fantastic family trip to Italy! It’ll be easy to get some walking in for sure.

    I love that you’re taking initiative now and not waiting. That’s exactly what I did when I went to the Dr. 10 months ago. I was diagnosed as prediabetic and was told to change everything. I started that next day and so far I’m down 80-ish pounds, with lots more to go!

    Anyways, sorry for the long comment, I was just very excited to come across your blog!

    You got this!!

  2. Thank you for the encouragement and inspiration! I know I’m not in this alone!!! Wow! 80 pounds!

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